Net Bloody Zero

Alphy couldn’t help himself. Cosmologists back on AC (Alpha Centauri) had messaged him a few days earlier that a sizeable earthquake would hit Australia and the epicentre would be in Victoria. (Unfortunately the poor old Saps, had still not worked out, how to predict the timing of earthquakes). The Cosmologists had also predicted correctly, that whilst having a strong motion impact in Melbourne, it would not cause significant structural damage. Thankfully leaving Alphy with no ethical dilemma, having this knowledge.

Yet again the issue of climate change was the hot political topic in Australia. The believers, faux believers, and deniers, all taking positions, cognisant of the fact that a Federal election was due in the coming half-year.

As a result Johno and Janno had been discussing climate change with Alphy. Janno believed in the Gaia Hypothesis. That all living things on Earth (biosphere) function as one super organism that changes its environment to create conditions that best meet its needs, with the ability to self-regulate critical systems needed to sustain it. Janno was arguing that due to human induced climate change the Earth was dangerously close to a tipping point, a new equilibrium would occur, that would result in homo-sapiens becoming extinct.

Johno turned to Alphy, whom he had a grudging respect for, ‘so what do you reckon? Is the planet seriously under threat?’ ‘The Earth is indeed a complex biosphere, it is under stress, and it will let you know it is not happy, especially with the quality of leadership in Australia.’ Johnno couldn’t help but let out a snorting laugh, ‘so the Earth will communicate with us.’ Alphy smiled a knowing smile.

The next morning, Alphy heard Johno cry out, ‘Jeeeeez, did the earth move for you?’ He was somewhat reassured to hear them say, it was an earthquake, fearing at first he was having a heart attack. Janno looked to Johnno and then with a slight look of awe at Alphy, ‘so the Earth has indeed spoken.’ Alphy suppressed a smug ‘told you so look,’ but he enjoyed immensely the look of astonishment on the face of Johnno. He however needed to be careful not to raise suspicions as to his real identity.

The following weeks saw the climate debate actually rival Covid for media attention. The junior coalition partner in the Federal Government, the Nats (National Party), was debating whether to accept Australia agreeing to net zero emissions by 2050, ahead of the imminent climate change conference in Glasgow. (Quite ironic thought Alphy that a conference on global warming would be held in ’tropical’ Glasgow). A difficult task for the Nats, given many were either climate deniers or captured by the coal lobby and coal miners votes. The Prime Minister, Scott (call me SCOMO, I’m a man of the people) Morrison, was desperate to avoid the mega embarrassment of going without a commitment to Net Zero. In true Johno style, he summed it up, ‘Net zero, that’s the average fucking IQ of the National Party.’

Finally, Barnaby (I’m a man of the regional people, hence the hat,) Joyce, so-called leader of the Nats, had to choke on an enormous piece of humble pie, by having to concede that a majority of the National Party had voted to support net zero by 2050. Well to be precise, weasel words to the effect they had voted to support a process that could achieve the target.

'Talking of average IQ,’ Johno mused out loud. 'Isn’t it heartening to see that after strolling out of the starting blocks with vaccinations, Australia is on target to achieve one of the highest vaccination rates in the world.’ ‘Yes,’ interjected Janno, ‘and the vast majority of deaths from Covid are now the un-vaccinated.’ ‘Precisely,’ said Johnno, ’thereby increasing the average IQ of Australia.

It was asparagus time in Melbourne and Johno and Janno were enjoying their eggs accompanied not by the usual ‘smashed avos’, but asparagus. Johno secretly hated the taste of asparagus, but it would not be cool in Carlton to admit it, so he surreptitiously doused it in tomato sauce.

Johno pointed out that the tips of asparagus reminded him of the shape of Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin’ space-ships. An interesting contrast to the previous observation by Alphy that the Saps rockets were phallic shaped, and built by billionaire Egonauts.

The latest Blue Origin space launch had made media news in particular because one of the passengers was William Shatner, who had played Captain Kirk in the long-running sci-fi series Star Trek. When Alphy had first seen Star Trek he thought it was a space satire, only to realise that there were, in fact, serious fans world-wide known as Trekkies. He had sent episodes back to AC, and much to his amazement, for a short while, it became one of the most watched programs on CosmicFlix. Even beating the ratings for Master Gourmand, featuring recipes described as Eclectic Epicurian Ecstasy. Which painfully reminded Alphy, how much he missed those truly Orgasmic meals.

Johno as usual had the last word. ‘Can you believe it, Prince William has criticised Jeff Bezos, saying money spent on Space Tourism should be focused on fixing the Earth instead. This coming from a member of the British Royal Family that Forbes estimated to be worth $88 billion. And how much of their vast wealth, which incidentally they inherited, not accumulated through innovation, have they actually spent on ‘fixing the Earth’ — net bloody zero.’