It’s Not Cricket!

'Well,’ said Johno, ‘another Australian Cricket Captain bites the dust.’ Alphy looked confused. Johno continued, ‘He was sexting to a female four years ago and now it has all come out. It is a monumental cock-up - literally’.

Alphy had quickly learnt how important cricket was to many Australians. The role of the Aussie Captain was considered one of the most highly regarded positions in the country and hence was under constant scrutiny. The current Captain having been installed after the previous Captain ‘resigned’ after the infamous ‘sandpaper’ ball tampering scandal.

'The timing could not have been worse,’ said Johno. ‘We are about to play England in the Ashes tour of Australia. The Pommie Barmy Army supporters will just love creating songs around this incident. By the end of Summer we will all be suffering from PTSD - Pommies Tediously Singing Dick-chants.’

'The silver lining, on the other hand, is the fact that English Cricket is mired in its own scandals, this being racism. So pointing to who are the Angels and Sinners this Summer, may not be so black and white. A categorisation by the way, that apparently many senior cricketers were happy to use to segregate their team mates.’

Alphy had observed that the Ashes games against England was where the most serious rivalry existed. Clearly a throw-back to the times when England represented Empire arrogance and the Australians were considered larrikin Colonialists.

'I find it strange that the anti-England sentiment is still so strong in the cricket but Australia still has a British head of state,’ said Alphy. Johno visibly squirmed. ‘I’m a bloody Republican, so as far as I am concerned I would be happy to see the guillotine brought back for a bit of French inspired lunch time entertainment.’

Alphy pointed out to Johno that his remarks were somewhat inconsistent given he had been incensed when protesters against proposed lock-down legislation, a few days earlier had staged mock guillotining of the Victorian Premier. ‘Ignominious idiots inspiring insurrection is hardly sophisticated satire’ retorted Johno. Alphy assumed that it was Johno’s marketing expertise that allowed him to alliterate with ease.

Alphy had been invited by Johno to the Boxing Day Test match at the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG). This was a much loved institution in Melbourne, especially when playing England and would attract crowds in excess of 90,000, evoking a Colosseum-like ambience.

Alphy was totally amazed when he realised that a Test match usually lasted five days. When he told them back on AC they were derisive. ‘The Saps can play five tests, each of five days, with large international audiences; shame they can’t get the same level of attention for Climate Change discussions.’

At first, he was dismissive of the Saps for devoting such a long period of time to an endeavour of apparent farnarkling proportions. But as he got to understand the subtleties and nuances of the game, it actually raised his overall impression of the sophistication of the Saps. Back on AC sport had been for many centuries, virtual. Having now seen and attended ‘live’ sport Alphy had to admit, there was something quintessentially Sap in nature about ‘real’ sport. Something he secretly regretted did not exist back on AC.