From Russia With Love!

'Did you hear that the composer of the James Bond theme, Monty Norman, has just died. I’ve loved those movies over the years,’ said Johno.

'Yes the scantily clad Bond women did a great job advancing a positive role model for females,’ said Janno sarcastically.

'The zenith undoubtedly being Pussy Galore in Goldfinger,’ quipped Johno teasingly. ‘You’ve got to admit though Janno, they’ve been popular the world over. However, I bet there is one Bond title that resonates with the Ukrainians, "From Russia With Love!"'

'Now that’s what I call a real bloody hero figure, Volodymyr Zelenskyy,' added Johno. 'Cool, calm and collected in the face of brutal aggression. How uplifting to see a leader of a country who actually is a leader. How ironic that many supposed leaders end up being a clown, and the real life comic ends up being an inspirational leader.

'Meanwhile Tsar wars continues, with Darth InVader continuing to target civilians.

'Well Alphy,’ enquired Johno. ‘What’s your solution to the war in Ukraine and Russian aggression?’

Alphy knew what the solution was. Regrettably the Guardians on AC, had made it clear that he was not allowed to intervene in the affairs of the Saps. Through targeted DNA Infiltration & Elimination (DIE) he could easily arrange the death of Putin, and in his mind had already written his obituary,‘Death becomes you.’

'Unfortunately, the time for the optimal solution has passed. NATO and the west should have provided Ukraine with the resources and security guarantees to ensure Russia was deterred from invasion. They should have employed the ancient Chinese General Sun Tzu’s maxim, “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting,”’ said Alphy.

’So, closer to home, what does Australia need to do, to avoid being a Chinese take-away in the future?’ Asked Johno.

'Perhaps for Australia the best form of defence is attack, demonstrating to China your military capability,’ said Alphy, deliberately trying to wind up Johno.

'The problem is, the previous Coalition Government has allowed our military capability to decline substantially. We haven’t built a new submarine in the last twenty years. So, who could we realistically attack?’ Then a smile came across Johno’s face. ‘Of course, New Zealand. We’re always claiming famous Kiwis as Australians, so why not formalise it. In fact the current Australian constitution still allows for New Zealand to be a state of Australia. The added bonus would be, we wouldn’t have to have ongoing debates about which day to celebrate the invasion, as we already have ANZAC day.’

'I’m sure the opposition would support it,’ said Janno, ‘as it would provide the perfect offshore detention centre should they win back government.’

'That’s it, the ultimate deterrent,’ said Johno. ‘We’ll announce that any illegal incursion into Australian waters by Chinese boats will see them detained and occupants sent to detention centres in New Zealand where they will undertake forced re-education, from Comrade to Bro.’

'So, are we all looking forward to going to the pub tonight?’ asked Janno. ‘With the resurgence of Covid and no-one wearing masks, to be honest I’m a little nervous, even though I’ve recently had my second booster.’

'It’s quite bizarre how the pendulum has swung. From a populace who grudgingly accepted mandatory mask wearing and lock-downs, to “who gives a RAT's”, literally,’ said Johno. ‘And can you believe people are rushing back onto floating Petri dishes commonly known as cruise ships!’

Alphy had felt obliged to report back to AC the fact that Saps were flocking back onto Cruise ships during another major Covid resurgence. The Guardians had been incredulous, but sadly not surprised. The general consensus was that the Saps were displaying Darwinian selection at its finest, non-survival of the dimmest.

Robert StygallJuly 18, 2022