AZ

It had not escaped the attention of Alphy that the Saps rockets were phallic shaped. This conjured up all sorts of ugly imagery given Richard Branson’s ‘space’ company was called Virgin Galactic.

He had recently watched the latest ‘space’ jaunt by another billionaire egonaut, Jeff Bezos, in his New Shephard, (who gives a flock), rocket ship. A flight that lasted all of 10 minutes and cost the equivalent of a Third World country’s annual GDP.

Johnno was clearly impressed, ‘Intergalactic travel here we come.’ This was a a clear case of premature evaluation thought Alphy. He wondered how long the Saps would continue to utilise fossil fuels, to power their space programs. At this rate of exploration evolution, it could be centuries before the Saps even left left their Solar System.

This week had seen Alphy join Johnno and Janno in watching the Covid Kamikaze Olympics. At the beginning of the games Alphy had heard for the first time that one of the events was the 100 metre breast stroke. He was impressed that some form of sexual titillation was an Olympic event and was somewhat disappointed it turned out to only be a swimming style.

One of the hardest things that Alphy had to endure whilst on his mission to Earth, was taking on a human form. The Saps had evolved to have only two legs with which to support their entire body. Somewhat of an evolutionary blunder in the opinion of the Centaurians. Having observed the Saps first-hand, Alphy had modified his views and had to admit to a grudging respect, for what the Saps could achieve as a rudimentary biped.

Alphy was interested to learn that the Olympic motto was faster, higher, stronger - together. Together, being added in 2021. Ironically thought Alphy, given that there were virtually no attendees allowed for the games.

'So faster, higher, stronger is the point of the games’, said Alphy to Johnno. ‘Yea’ said Johno, quizzically. Alphy couldn’t help having a dig at the Saps, ‘It’s lucky we exclude other species then’, said Alphy, ‘given the prowess of Cheetahs, Dolphins, Kangaroos, Elephants, and Gorillas etc’.

'Where are we on the medal table? Asked Alphy, who quickly learnt that this seemed to be the only thing Aussies cared about. ‘We’re Number 1’ replied Johnno, who saw Alphy’s perplexed look. ‘The medal table should be calculated by dividing the number of medals by the population of the country - on that basis we are top of the table.’ Alphy had to concede there was some logic to this approach., but pointed out that on this basis Bermuda would be above Australia with their one medal. ‘Well obviously there would need to be a threshold on the number of medals. As long as we finish above GB (Great Britain) and New Zealand - that’s the key criteria mate,’ smiled Johnno.

Janno was quietly working out which sports would get gold for having the most attractive athletes. Swimming, hockey and football were currently ahead; with weight-lifting clearly in last place.

Alphy was impacted by how emotional Janno had been watching the Matildas, the Aussie Women’s football team. The tears of joy when they progressed to the semi-finals for the first time ever, and the tears of despair losing that semi-final. Listening to Janno he realised that achieving equality in sports was an important milestone for the advancement of women. Johnno intervened to dampen her pride in female progress by saying with a grin ‘Looking forward to the Afghan female squad the Taliban will be sending to Australia’.

Janno was a footballer herself and was now looking forward to the 2023 Women’s World Cup, being hosted by Australia & New Zealand. What would be the state of Covid then she thought?

Sydney was now experiencing a rapidly growing Covid outbreak, many epidemiologists, and others attributing it to the late decision by the NSW State Government to go into lockdown. Alphy had just observed the Aussie PM Scomo have his ‘on the road to to Damascus’ conversion, or to be more precise ‘on the road out of Sydney’ conversion. From being someone who consistently derided States and in particular Victoria for going into lock-downs too early, he was now a ‘go early go hard’ proponent. This conversion was cynically seen by many as a response to the fact that he was presiding over a botched Federal vaccine roll-out (a.k.a stroll-out) and hence any outbreaks were multiplying ’exponentially’.

The impact was being compounded by the fact, that fears over potential clotting and poor messaging regarding the readily available AZ (Astra-Zeneca) vaccine, was causing very high levels of hesitancy for AZ. Many electing to wait for Pfizer supplies to arrive.

Johno’s marketing agency Infinite Possibilities had been given the brief by the Federal Government to shift this perception. He had given a lot of consideration to whether to use a ‘carrot or stick’ approach to the issue. Alphy and Janno had just seen the final version of the ad. The first scene is a lightning strike and fades to a caption ‘Chances of developing a clot with AZ (Astra Zeneca) same as being killed by a lightning strike in Australia. Fades to next caption: AZ Almost Zero chance of clots. Next scene coffin being lowered into grave. Fades to next caption, ‘Of those who test positive with Covid, more than 1 in 50 will die’. Next scene Male and Female celebs look onto the camera. Female celeb with reassuring smile, ‘AZ, it stands for Almost Zero risk.’ Male celeb looking deadly serious (literally), ‘Don’t let vacillation kill you - shoot up for Australia.’

Alphy was having his own AZ moment, sadly reflecting on the state of the Saps for whom, to his surprise, he was having increasing affection. Worldwide pandemics (ongoing), perpetual wars, catastrophic climate change... The chances of the Saps being a sustainable life-from? AZ.

Robert Stygall