Test & Testes

Alphy couldn’t quite believe it. He had spent the previous five nights watching the televised Ashes Cricket Test series with Janno and Johno – and had enjoyed it immensely! He was now a convert to the Cult of Cricket.

He wouldn’t dare report this to the Guardians back on AC. They considered sport to be vulgar and the sign of a primitive culture. Admitting to them he had enjoyed the spectacle, would have triggered his immediate recall, and they would have labelled him as having gone primitive.

Furthermore, if he had told them that Tests lasted five days, and this was the first of a series of five, and the winners become the ‘holders’ of the small hallowed Urn containing Ashes, (reputedly of a wooden ball, humorously referred to as the Ashes of Australian Cricket) – they would certainly have designated him as a suitable case for treatment and required him to attend compulsory exit counselling.

Alphy had been bemused by the long-standing rivalry between Australia and England. Much to his surprise, he was secretly enjoying the restrained aggression between the two sides. Back on AC, conflict had disappeared eons ago, but harmony could be humdrum, reflected Alphy.

He had come to appreciate and enjoy the complexity and constant ebb and flow of Test Cricket. England were playing a totally new attacking, and entertaining, style of the game, known as Bazball, (named after their Kiwi coach Brendon McCullum, aka Baz).

'What a bloody amazing game!’ said Johno.

‘Did England snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory?’ asked Janno. ‘I almost feel sorry for Ben Stokes. A number of decisions he made as Captain such as the early declaration, surprise, surprise, have been highly criticised by many, especially the Pommie media.’

'The British tabloids are merciless. If he had won, he would have been a genius, now he is culpable. Thank God we have the Murdoch press and their meritorious mastheads such as the Sun, to uphold the principles of quality journalism and unbiased reporting,’ said Johno, mockingly.

'So Ben and Baz will no doubt be reflecting on the decisions made in the past five days. As Kurt Vonnegut observed, Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, it might have been’, said Johno, with glee.

’Meanwhile, the Winter Solstice is upon us,’ said Johno. ‘We’ll have to undertake our usual rituals and sacrifices under the moon-lit sky to ensure the Sun returns and the daylight hours lengthen once again.’

For an instant, Alphy wasn’t sure if Johno was joking, as Sap behaviour never ceased to amaze him.

'So, what sacrifices did you have in mind?’ said Alphy.

'Clearly slitting the throats of goats and smearing your dancing naked bodies in their blood, whilst chanting George Harrison’s Here Comes the Sun wouldn’t go down too well in Carlton,’ said Johno with mock seriousness.

'Perhaps we could update it with the ritual castration of sexually predatorial Senators,’ said Janno.

'Yes, we could hold them up to the heavens and chant – _Behold the Testes for the Sun Days,’ _she continued, with outstretched and cupped hands.

'Yes, I can see the headline in the Sun now,’ said Johno, Freakish Frolics with Senatorial Bollocks!